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mmmSpecialK
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Name: Rex
Gender: Female
Interests: discovering an awesome plural form of the word moose
Expertise: the number of licks to the center of a tootsie pop
Industry: Research
Message: message me
AIM:  REXadillio
Member Since:
7/1/2004
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| Oh, Life
First things first...yay Monica and Gary! I am so excited for them. I am also excited that I don't have to keep a secret anymore. That's always a good day, especially as it was getting more and more challenging what with Jared whispering comments in my direction at inopportune moments. haha. thank goooooodness it's official.
Unfortunately,
I haven't gotten to see the ring. And I've only spoken to Monica for about a minute. It's really depressing that I can't be there to celebrate and even more depressing that I can't be there to see everyone's reactions.
Right now, I am not among the living.
We're pretty sure I have mono, but we're not sure. I didn't think mono was that big of a deal. WRONG. I can't do anything. Not because they won't let me, but because I physically can't. I'm getting exhausted just writing this. It's really frustrating to not have enough energy to even make it through a whole movie. So I'm missing class and I can't stay caught up because I don't have the energy to do work. So now all I can do is wait and watch myself get behind. I'm panicking about my classes, but I can't do anything about it. We can't talk to the university until tomorrow, but I have assignments due in the morning. I'm excused from class, but we don't know if I'm excused from assignments. It's so frustrating wanting to do work and not being able to.
It's so frustrating not being able to do anything but sleep. And it's really scary thinking about how I'll have to go back this week and jump into my life again and somehow try to get caught up. It's even scarier knowing that I won't feel fully myself maybe for a couple months. I'll have to give things up that I love because I won't have the energy to do them. Maybe my job? Maybe ROCK? I don't know yet what all I will have to sacrifice to get well. I do already know that I won't get to sing anymore, at least not for awhile, probably the next couple of months. My body just won't have the strength to do it.
I can't tell you how sad this makes me. Singing is one of my favorite things, it makes me so happy, and I feel like it's one of the few things I am really good at. But right now, I just can't. And that really hurts.
So here I am, sleep-living right now and knowing that when I do go back, I'll be going back to a sort of half-life. Still struggling to get well.
Wanting to do things I can't and missing things I used to be able to.
I'm still worried for Stephen too. I'm really scared that I may have gotten him sick in the process. I really hope it somehow passes him. He's been really great through all of this though. He came to see me today on the way back from NLR. It was so nice just to sit with him. Don't worry, I know I've got a keeper.
I'm really sad right now, and I could really use your prayers. I know I'll get through this, it just doesn't feel that way right now.
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| I'm just really happy. I am. It's a really nice feeling.
Alot of stuff is going right and that's extremely exciting.
The United Methodist Church holds a huge national conference every 4 years called general conference where they make alot of decisions for the church as a whole, they choose where bishops go, etc. It's a really big deal. Each state conference elects 10 people to go as delegates and represent the conference. Districts nominate 10 people to send to the state annual conference to be voted on for this opportunity, and I'm one of the 10 from the Tulsa district. This sounds quasi-insignificant and perhaps not very interesting, but for me it is. I love being involved in the church and I like knowing that I can make a difference. Plus, it's a really big deal that a whole committee of adults and extremely qualified and great people would decide to nominate me for something that's such a big deal for the church. I couldn't be happier. So now I get to start campaigning and trying to convince people that I am right for the job. I don't know what will come of it, but pray for me. If nothing else happens, it's just really nice to know that people I really respect think highly of me too. That's a great feeling.
Alsoooo, the Project Transformation Reunion was last night and it was great. I was sad more kids/interns couldn't come, but it was still really wonderful. I had an amazing time! It's amazing to see how much some of the kids have grown up. One of the boys, Gavin, who was a camper 2 summers ago is going to come volunteer and help out this summer. And he can't wait. That completely blows me away. It was really nice to see how much the kids did miss it and how even last night they didn't want to leave. It was great to see all the church people and all the interns, it was nice to be in that place again with those people, because this summer I definitely had some of the happiest moments of my life. It's nice to have friends and to know people that when you see them you can't help but race to give them a hug. PT gave me some really special friendships. Again, I couldn't be happier.
Alsoooo, Stephen came last night too. I was so excited that he came and got to see all of my kids and all the people that are such a big part of my life. I was amazed at how well he fit in and how wonderful he was with the kids. It is completely and utterly fantastic to be dating someone that really cares about what I care about and is anxious to be a part of and know those things that are important to me and really make me happy. I am so fortunate that my boyfriend is also my best friend, it's cool to realize that he was doing this kind of stuff for me long before we were dating. Because he's that kind of person and that kind of friend. He's just wonderful, and I'm realizing more and more how blessed I am. And again, I couldn't be happier.
There are other wonderful and spectacular things going on in my life right now, some that need to be shared and some that don't need to be, but those are some exciting highlights. Forgive the long explanations and the long speech about stephen, I felt it was necessary. When you're happy it's important to soak it up and appreciate it. I hope this post is much more light-hearted than my last.
You are all wonderful friends, and I love you. I couldn't be happier.
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| DON'T HOLD ON BUT DON'T LET GO
I hate having to be in the middle of things. I really don't like drama, I just want everyone to get along. So it really sucks when I'm stuck having to balance where and when i see people because everyone hates each other and i have to keep them away from each other and not be friends with them at the same time. What? It seems convoluted because it is. I'm too tired to keep track of everything. I'm sorry if this is ridiculous and rant-packed, but I needed to vent. I don't want to have to be the bad guy by siding with one person or both or no one. It feels like I don't really know who to believe anymore.
I'm sick of it. I wish friendship weren't so difficult. But I'm finding out that alot of things are more challenging than I thought they'd be.
I miss OU. I forgot how much crap I left behind here.
But really I do love all of my friends. There are things about them that I love and cherish and will always be grateful for. They've done alot for me. ALOT. I just wish I could have the freedom to love them all at once. But maybe I'm just not brave enough to like everyone. Maybe it's me with the problem. I wish I could just not hurt anyone. I really don't want to hurt anyone, it just seems impossible not to.
It feels like I just have to accept this tangled web of crap that we've built or just move on and leave it behind. I think both choices will hurt. I didn't know this crossroad would come so quickly.
But life's never perfect, eh? Just when some things work, other things fall spectacularly to pieces.
Well, I'll just keep praying and trying to be better...
"It doesn't take a genius to realize that sometimes life is hard"
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Sometimes God just really blows me away. I had never really seen God move in my life until this semester. Not that he didn't-I just never saw it. God things seemed obscure and mysterious and just out of reach. God's grace and power seemed like general terms, vague topics that seemed like something out of a textbook, but things that I never saw examples of in real life-or ya know, my life at least. They were just really fascinating and hopeful concepts.
Then this semester rolls around.
It's like I've gotten pummeled with calls and blessings and answers. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. I used to "talk" to God and just hope it meant something to someone on the other end. I didn't really get it and I desperately wanted to get it and i just didn't know how. This was my entire junior high and high school career. Meanwhile, I was leading others on their spiritual journies. I was leading the church. I was somehow an expert on the faith. I got the head stuff, that always came easy. I could debate the innerworkings of the bible and religious history like nobody's business.
The heart stuff...not so much.
And it hurt. It really did. Church didn't go the way I hoped it would. I switched church homes and the people were wonderful and caring and I had rarely felt more loved and appreciated than I did there. But it wasn't enough. I felt like I had a secret. I felt like a fraud.
I wasn't in a relationship with God-I was in a relationship with church.
Last summer at Project Transformation was truly one of the only times in my life that I had ever felt close to God. But I still feel like I didn't quite appreciate it then. This summer though, I got it. I felt pain for these kids that I knew came from God. I really and truly ached for these kids. I loved them like I only love my family. I loved them as if they were my own kids. It physically hurt when I had to say goodbye, knowing that I may never see them again. I said goodbye with the knowledge that their childhoods would almost certainly not be the happy, innocent time that I so desperately wished it would be. I said goodbye to them, and with them, a piece of me too.
I don't think this summer could have possibly been better. And I was close to God. I really was-for the first time in a long time. I may not have praying or reading the bible as much as I should have, but I was serving God. Really serving God. Not with the added bonus of money or service hours, but just because I genuinely cared for the kids and I knew I needed to be there. I knew. I felt it.
And I have never felt more at home in my entire life.
Then I got here, and my whole concept of God shifted. I always thought people were crazy for talking about God speaking to them. I think it was because I was so jealous. I secretly wished God would send me psychic messages and set things straight. But because it had never happened to me, and I was an expert of course, my experience must be the normal, rational one. The one that was actually the right way. I was convinced that everything was normal. So what if I wasn't really talking to God. I was still doing good things, going to church, being Jesus-y? That's enough right?
Apparently not. It seems like the second I got here God bombarded me with stuff. Suddenly God was answering all my prayers and concerns-and in really obvious ways. So I could understand them. He spoke to me on my level-like a dad. So I wouldn't get confused, so I would know he was listening. So I would know he understood. I don't really know what changed. Maybe me?
Maybe I just wasn't listening.
But now suddenly my life was full of listening. And it's not like I was always being really good about praying regularly, although I was praying more. It turns out I was speaking to God in a different way. In a way I was completely not expecting. And I see it now. How were my prayers and concerns and heartaches and joys getting to him?
Monica.
I spoke to Monica, and God spoke back. Everytime I came to Monica with a concern or just some pain or confusion-with my life layed before her-God responded. And VERY directly. This has happened all semester-over and over and over. Monica said it was nice to know that God eavesdrops. I don't think she really knew how much this had happened though. Really-it's like God sat and listened too. Sister time somehow became God time. He really was on my level. There is no one in the world who knows me more or is closer to me than Monica. What better way to get close to me than through her? God is a genius. I see now he just wanted to be close to me, and this was just the best way to do it.
Let me remind you, I have never really felt like God has talked to me before.
This completely blows me away. I think now that I understand all this, maybe I can talk to God directly now. Not that I don't enjoy the divine connection my sister has become, but I think I had to figure all this out in order for us to have a real relationship. One that I know is real, one that I know is not just in my head. But is in fact spiritual and based in reality at the same time.
Let me explain the kind of response I got from God.
One night, I had a long talk with monica in her car outside adams. I talked to her about how that was really the first time I had felt lonely in my entire time at OU. I talked about how empty I felt and how far away I felt from everyone. I felt like even my close friends seemed somehow not as close as I thought they were. All I wanted to do was cry. I left my sister and went upstairs, and I planned to gather some things and take a walk-so I could cry in the privacy of the empty campus. I stepped off the elevator and my phone rang. It was my friend Stephen, I assumed he was calling about doing something that night or something so I begrudgingly answered-still thinking it was very strange that I had not been out of the car more than a minute when he called. He asked me how i was and i think my response was "meh." I asked him what was going on, hoping to get to the bottom of the conversation so I could, of course, hang up and go cry. He said nothing was up.
He just felt like he needed to call. He said for some reason he knew he had to call me. And he said he usually doesn't ignore those urges, so he called, and was wondering how I was.
The rest of our conversation was pretty unimportant, but dang. It was like God couldn't get to me fast enough. Stephen had no clue as to why he was calling, he just knew it was important that I get a call at that moment.
This might seem simple and coincidental, but I assure you when you have just bared your soul to someone and you get a random phone call a minute later, it is eerie, awesome, and entirely planned.
I had another conversation recently with Monica, of course, about how I was still feeling really disconnected from people. It felt like I was friends with everyone but close friends with no one. I didn't really hang out with anyone from Wesley outside of Wesley. I was so frustrated and pretty sad. She was amazing though. She had plans that night, but made me a priority. Wow. Did I mention that I have the best sister in the world?
Less than a week later,
I'm chatting with someone at Wesley and we each share our weeks with each other and talk for a long time. And it was comfortable easy conversation-the really good kind. We talked about important things and little things and she says that we need hang out over the break and invites me to stay with her and starts planning. She goes on to say that we definitely need to hang out more. I was shocked. It was pretty much...no...exactly what I had been wanting. I talked to Monica later and recapped the conversation for her and I asked her if she had said anything. The conversation seemed completely prompted by my conversation with Monica, I was still glad for it, but I just assumed she had said something to encourage it.
Nope. She hadn't said anything. The conversation just happened. Whoa.
I'm telling you this weird stuff just keeps happening. I told Monica at the very beginning of the semester that I missed kids, I really did. I also told her and my journal about how I was really lacking direction and I was just frustrated and had no idea what to do with my life and my career. Less than a week later, I have a job handed to me. My first job ever-and it's leading a children's program.
And then today, randomly, a conversation I had with Monica ages ago about this ambition/dream I had came back to me. And the wheels of this ambition are now in motion.
Forgive me if I'm making a big deal out of these things, you can tell me if I'm crazy. But don't these things seem quasi-miraculous to you? Like I said, God blows me away sometimes. Like with this post. I sat down and started an entry without having any idea what I was going to write about.
And this came out.
Dang. God is really talking, and I'm going to try really hard to keep listening.
Congratulations to any of you who made it through this post, I apologize for the length. It was for real completely unplanned. I think it was more for my benefit, but I really appreciate your time and patience. I love you all.
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